One of the things: sometimes, being a mom and wife feels like this scene w/ Galadriel in LOTR. When Frodo offers her the ring, and she sees another explosive path she could take. She's just become translucent with darkness and power, and there's a breath where she might take it, she might do it:
... but then she takes control of herself and it all evaporates again. She closes her eyes as she acquiesces and says this, words that haunt me: "I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel."
Sometimes I can't decide if this is tragedy or heroism. I'm pretty sure that line's not actually in LOTR from what I remember, but it seems it would be very in-line w/ Tolkien-ism--fighting off the incredible temptation. She thinks of it as a test she has passed, but sometimes I think that is CRAP!!! I think of the liberation, the power, the unknown and adventure. An adventure that does NOT end before it begins due to the abyss of self-sacrifice.
And then, alternately, I think this is one of the best metaphors of motherhood I've ever seen. Not all of motherhood! I love being a mother! But you lose autonomy. It is the way of nurturing another being. It's impossible to avoid when kiddos are still babies. You are at their beck and call. You cannot be All About You anymore. You're serving someone else, but it's not like slavery. It's a mystery really, the combination of love, of becoming entwined with another person so that it by necessity changes who you are. Being a wife has elements of this too.
I think (or god I hope!) that by nurturing one's inner life, it stops becoming a case of Loss, and instead is emblematic of transitions, crossing thresholds and morphing continuously, always AWAKE and PRESENT in your own life. Embracing those bits of domesticity, caretaking, and nurture that yes, are partially self-sacrifice, and another part Something Else Entirely. Some part I've can't describe yet, but maybe is part of being human, of having a womb, of being part of the process of giving life. And I don't think is limited to those w/ biological wombs--it's about all us who take on caretaking and nurturing roles. Which hopefully, is all of us.
But I don't want to deny any longer that part of myself that envisions the other path, that considers it as a free and viable option. It's living for fuck sake. It's supposed to be a wide life. We are supposed to feel everything, to be so awake to the world that it is not the past or the future that fills your wild mind, but the present. There's so much here, now. Love the hell out of this moment and be open to the divergences of the next threshold, the forkings and widenings of the path.
Finding that balance between mothering and writing (and, being a functional showered human being!) isn't something I've figured out yet. I'm so impressed - and proud of you - for taking your Magical Retreat and making a space for YOU.
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