I'm 29 years old. Haven't I outgrown this yet? Usually (well at least for the past few years), I've kicked ass confidence-wise. At least on the outside. I have blue hair! I have tattoos! I am exuberant and friendly! But wanna know a secret? Inside, I'm still that suuuuuper awkward jr. high girl. Oh dear, I feel an awkward picture coming on:
Back then, I let it drive my life--my uber-self-consciousness, my need to be liked. What I know now (at least, I know it most the time) is that confidence is something you fake until you make. Few of us are naturally confident, and certainly not all the time. Hopefully, being grown up also means caring more about the people around you and being engaged in life so that you don't concentrate so much on your awkward self stumbling through it. When compassion grows and you begin to see the world (and the people in it) for the large, complex entities they are, personal self-consciousness seems to shrink into perspective.
But dear god, I so, so understand how difficult it can be sometimes.
Oh how I remember 90's grunge. Flannel! What were we thinking? But aww, junior high Heather is adorable! And so is grown-up Heather :)
ReplyDelete"The need to be liked". Preaching to the choir here! I remember how much I would inconvenient myself to help somebody who wouldn't even remember to say thank you in the end and still catch myself doing the same thing sometimes. Hope it gets better for you.
ReplyDeleteSo jealous of your hair, back then because of the length and now because... it's awesome :-)
I remember that Heather...or one very soon after... The rebellious, colorful, stand out Heather was right there for anyone to see as long as they looked with the "correct" eyes :)
ReplyDeleteYes, you needed to be liked, accepted, approved of...but your persona defied that need time and again! What a joy it was to watch...what a joy it IS to watch! LOL!
You are new to your home, you're lonely for "like and kind" and you're working on finding that...I don't look at it as trying to be accepted so much as looking for that puzzle that you will fit right into. You can't and don't even need to "make" people like you, Love. They already love you and are waiting for you to get finished feeling your way around and join them :) At least that's how I look at it...LOL
BTW...I too think your hair is awesome! I am toying with the idea of doing this uber fine mixture of indigo, fuchsia, dark purple, teal, and white (don't need to have anything for that color!) You know, lots of tiny little streaks of colors...I'll look like a peacock! The only thing slowing me down is Rocky. He says he doesn't care..but when I asked if I could shave my head he was quite adamant with his NO! LOL!!
I love you My Girl...you tell that insecure, need to be accepted little girl to just chill out... you'll be just fine;and sipping caramel mochas with you new bff before you know it!